Tears on My Pillow
by ckincaid
Summary: Takes place right before "Return to Me" and involves Maddie and David in the middle of the Annie catastrophe. Shows more feeling and emotion between the two where the show didn't. Read/Reviews are great!


This story came about after I realized my other story "Return to Me" needed something more. It needed some back story. So, I wrote this. It takes place directly before "Return to Me" and involves how David _should_ have dumped Annie. Again, complete fiction and I do not own these characters. Thanks for the reviews, everyone :) Also, I divided the sections a little differently because formatting was a little weird this time.

* * *

_Tap, tap, tap_, the keys on Maddie's adding machine played out almost musically as Maddie tried to balance the previous month's books. She hit the total button and sighed. Hitting the clear button and flipping the pages of the log book on her desk, she started again.

She hadn't been able to keep her mind on anything lately. She'd stayed locked up in her office for the last few days. Having her lunches brought in, coming in early, leaving late. She hardly saw her employees anymore. And she never saw her partner. _It's better this way_, she reasoned.

Her mind drifted a moment and she hit the wrong button on the adding machine which sent the tape cascading into the already looming pile on the floor. In frustration, she slammed her fist on the keys which only sent more tape careening to the floor. At the rate she was going, she'd be there until next year just trying to balance one month's receipts. With a sigh, she ripped of the strip and let the paper fall.

She sagged in her chair and looked at the ceiling. _Why, oh, why is this all happening to me_, she wondered. A week ago, things seemed fine. Fine. That was exactly how things were. Just _fine_. Not great, but fine. She should have seen the signs. Nothing "fine" ever worked out.

She had told her therapist she was happy and now she felt as though her world had been turned upside down. Nothing was as it had once seemed and right there, she realized, was the problem. It had never been right to begin with.

With a heavy sigh, she placed her head in her hands and rested her head on her desk. It was beyond her now how she could get past this. She'd be damned if she'd return to therapy again. She could never admit she was wrong.

Maybe she had gotten over losing the baby, but she hadn't really gotten over David. The moment she'd seen Annie in that hotel, she'd realized that. It wasn't just that David had been with her cousin. It was that David was with another woman. Yes, she'd lied to him. She was jealous. Very much so. She knew that now too. And she couldn't very well admit that to him now. She envisioned how that would go down and she shuttered at the thought. She'd get along fine without him. She had to.

There was a knock on her office door and she sat up quickly. Trying to regain composure, she shook her head. She couldn't do much else without heavy make-up, so she said, "Come in."

Agnes poked her head in and said, "Miss Hayes, want anything for lunch?"

"Lunch?"

"Yeah, lunch. I was going out. The usual?"

Maddie took a look at the clock on her desk and was horrified to discover it was 12:30. _Where had the day gone?!_ "Not too hungry, Agnes, but thank you."

"Are you sure?"

Maddie did her best to smile and said, "I have a feeling I'll be here late tonight. I got too behind with that last case."

"Oh, right," the woman said looking down. "If you need help…"

Maddie cut her off, "I'm fine, Agnes." There it was again. Fine. She sighed and said, "I'll send out for something later."

Agnes just nodded and said, "If you need anything…"

"Thank you, Agnes."

The woman nodded, taking her cue, and left the room. Maddie sighed again. Sighs were almost second nature now. Her life was a big sigh. Actually, her life felt like a soap opera - and a really bad one. A soap opera where the writers decided to take a vacation in the middle of the climax.

Maddie cradled her head in her hands again and felt desperate for nothing more than some sleep. She hadn't been sleeping lately. Her doctor had given her sleeping pills which were doing little more than making her feel like a zombie or another person entirely. She had dark circles under her eyes and her eyes were constantly puffy. She did her best to cover everything up with make-up, but she felt self-conscious. And she had _never_ felt self-conscious!

Every morning she walked into the office positive everyone saw through her cheery greetings. She was sure they could see the anguish in her eyes, the hurt, the redness around her eyes from crying. But everyone she ran into just greeted her back as per usual. Agnes was the only one who didn't mince words.

It was the day after the "hotel incident" when Agnes had come to Maddie at the end of the day. She spoke softly and with absolute care in word choice. There was no mention of David or his indiscretion. It was all about how Agnes could help Maddie - if she needed someone to talk to, if she needed to get away, or, as Agnes stated, "If you need someone to…take care of things, I know who to call." Maddie wasn't sure she wanted to know the vengeful side of Agnes.

In the end, Maddie had played the "fine" role and sent Agnes home. She played it nearly to perfection, it seemed. She knew, however, she wasn't fooling Agnes. That woman had a sixth sense.

Deciding she wasn't getting anything done, she returned to the books. One way or another she had to get through this. And if that meant that David be no part of her life, than that was how it had to be.

Later that afternoon, Maddie was still seated at her desk looking exhausted and still going over the books. She placed her hand against her head and leaned against it as she looked over the figures in front of her. A half-eaten salad sat in an opened take-out carton at the far end of her desk. Receipts, bills and register tape lay all over her desk.

As much as she'd tried, she hadn't been able to make it through the month's figures. She'd been over them five times since that morning and still things weren't adding up. Finally, she'd sent out for a salad from the deli downstairs after feeling so faint she couldn't hold her head up.

Now that she had food in her stomach, things weren't any clearer. The figures weren't adding up and she was more frustrated than she was that morning. Her inner-voice was telling her to go home and take Friday off. She couldn't argue that that sounded great, but she didn't want that much time to ponder. She spent enough time at home wallowing in her problems as it was. Three days alone to think about all she hadn't done with her life was just more than she could handle.

She turned back to the numbers and ran the list of figures against the bank statement that was now well-worn. With her pen, she checked each number and every decimal point. That was when she saw it. She grabbed her highlighter and made a bright yellow mark on the charge in question.

_That's why the account is off_, she thought. _I'm not losing my mind!_ Well, she might be losing something, but she wasn't crazy.

The charge was for 76.49 to a place Maddie knew rented out video equipment. She checked the date and realized this must have been for their last case. David must have forgotten to give her the receipt and she needed that come tax time.

She stared at the bank reminiscence and then at her office door. Well, she'd have to face him someday. Might as well be today.

With yet another sigh, she stood, grabbed the read-out from the bank and headed toward her office door. When she entered the outer office, everyone froze. They all stared at her as if she had grown an extra head. For a moment she just stood there feeling awkward, but quickly recovered and headed to Agnes' desk.

"Miss Hayes," Agnes said in shock.

"Is Mr. Addison in?"

"In?"

"Yes, is he in?"

"As in…"

"Is he here," she asked firmly.

"Yes, he's here."

Maddie and Agnes stared at each other a moment and then Maddie said, "Well, then." For a moment she hesitated, but then continued, "I'll be going in."

Agnes watched in surprise as her boss crossed the office to David's door. Maddie knocked and when she heard David say, "Come in," she entered.

David was sitting at his desk apparently going over photos that were spread across his desk. Maddie slowly entered the room and carefully closed the door until it clicked shut. For a few long seconds, she just stared at the man behind the desk. Why did it hurt so much? The man had obviously moved on from her. He had certainly moved onto the next conquest. As far as she knew, she was just another notch on his bedpost. She certainly had been no virgin when David had come into her life and she had had her fair share of relationships. She'd been left on occasion and in some cases, she'd done the dumping. So, why, of all the men to come and go in her life, did this one matter so much?

The biggest question of all was…would she ever get over him?

Her thoughts scattered when David said, "Agnes, I…," but he stopped when he looked up and saw it was not Agnes who stood before him. His look shifted and for a moment she thought she saw uncertainty. "Well, well, well," he said and smugly leaned back in his chair. "Long time no see, _partner_. How goes it?" There was a smug smile on his face and she wanted nothing more than to slap him. How could he do this to her? Not only sit there and act this way, but how could he do _any_ of this to her?!

Keeping up the act, she almost said she was fine, but stopped herself. She was so sick of that word! Instead she got down to business, "Do you have your receipts from last month?"

His smugness faded to confusion. "My what?"

"Your business receipts. Do you have them?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Do you or don't you," she asked firmly.

"What do you need?"

"A receipt for the video equipment you rented for the Anderson case last month."

David looked lost for a moment and then opened a desk drawer. She watched as he rifled through the contents coming out with a handful of what looked like crumpled receipts. "It's in here somewhere," he said.

"It's fine," Maddie said and then winced. "I'll find it." She stepped forward and grabbed the receipts from his desk and hurried back toward the door without even a glance at him.

"Keeping busy, I take it," David said evenly.

Maddie stopped, not having reached the door. How she wished she could just make her escape. Without turning, she said, "The books don't balance themselves."

"Been seeing any clients?"

"A few," she lied.

"A few, huh?"

Maddie turned at the skepticism in his voice. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing. It means nothing."

"It sounded like something."

David paused and looked at his desk and then back at Maddie. No emotion on his face. "You just don't seem on top of things lately, Maddie. Maybe…you should take some time off. Go visit your parents or something."

Maddie felt her blood boil. That was low and he knew it. She and David knew each other too well and now of all times, that was to her disadvantage. "What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

David shrugged seeming unaffected and said, "It means what you want it to mean."

She stared him down. Both not moving, not giving an inch. "Are you trying to say something?"

"Like what?"

Maddie stared at him and the more she looked at his smug look, the more she wanted to throw him through the office window. "Never mind," she spat and turned back to the door.

"It just seems you aren't doing this place much good holding up in that office all day."

How could he do this? How could he be so cold and indifferent? She spun around ready to fight and said, "Okay, David. Out with it. You obviously have something to say."

He shrugged which only made her blood boil even more. "I have nothing to say. You have something to say?"

"Cut the crap, David. You're obviously trying to get to me."

David laughed and said, "Get to you?! For what?"

"You tell me."

"Tell you? Seems you hold all the cards here," he said folding his arms in front of him.

"So that's what this is about? Payback?"

"Please," he scoffed.

"No, that is what this is about, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Before Maddie could say anything else, David's phone rang. David didn't hesitate as he picked up the receiver. "David here," he answered. Suddenly a wicked smile spread across his face and he said, "Yeah, me too." Maddie rolled her eyes and turned to the door. If she listened to this, she'd have to hurl. Without a word, Maddie left the office slamming the door behind her.

All of the employees looked up as she stormed across the office and into her own office slamming that door too. Once alone, she paced the span of her office a few times. And she couldn't stop fuming. She wondered how it was she was ever involved with him. How had she not seen this side home him?

Suddenly, her office door opened and David stood in the doorway with anger written all over his face. She felt it suiting as it probably matched her own. He slammed the door and spat, "What is wrong with you?!"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you have some kind of problem?"

She stared at him incredulously. Was he really that dense or was it all an act? Or was he just being unbearably cruel? "How can you ask me that," she asked trying to keep her anger in check. "After five years, how can you ask me that," she said louder. When David didn't respond and his expression didn't waver, she said, "What did I expect from you? I shouldn't have expected anything."

She turned, but David grabbed her arm tightly and turned her around. "This is none of your business. Am I wrong, or did you make it perfectly clear that we have separate lives you and I. Business and personal." Maddie stared at him not believing any of this. "Am I wrong," he asked forcing her into a corner.

"No," she answered hating to eat her own words. "But this is different."

"Different?"

"How could you," she said on the verge of either crying or screaming.

"How could I what?"

God, was he really that stupid?! Of course not and that's when she saw the truth. "You really are doing this to hurt me."

"Get over yourself," he said with scorn. And of everything, she didn't think anything else hurt worse than his tone.

"She is my cousin, David! My married cousin! Of all we've been through together, how could you not think this would affect me?! At least a little! Or did you _really_ just not care?! We had a baby together for God's sake!" At the mention of the baby, David averted his gaze. "But I guess none of that matters anymore, does it? Did it ever matter? Was everything you said to me a line? Was I just another chain in your string of women?" David shot her a gaze that could kill. And she didn't care. "What about Annie? Will you toss her aside too?"

David stared her down and then turned and walked out of the office. Maddie stepped into the open doorway and called, "Can't take the heat?"

David stopped in the middle of the outer office and froze. Slowly he turned and faced her again, but didn't move from the spot. His smugness returned and he said, "Without a doubt. Can you?"

Maddie paused taking in the stunned looks from the employees. "After you, I can take anything."

David laughed and said, "Really. I don't ever remember hearing you complain. The opposite actually."

She knew she should feel embarrassed, but she wasn't. She was furious. In fact, if she hadn't been so angry, she would have been shocked. How dare he confront her like this! How dare he throw their relationship back in her face! Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Or perhaps the drugs she'd been taking had some sort of side effect. All she knew is she couldn't stand the sight of him anymore. Her face was tight with anger as she made her way across the office toward him. When she stopped in front of him, she saw nothing but a man she no longer knew and her hand came up slapping David across the face. "I want you out of here," she said louder than she'd intended.

"What," he asked as he stepped back from the blow and holding his cheek at the sting of her slap.

"You're fired!"

There was a collective gasp from the employees.

"You're firing me? On what grounds?"

"You want a list?!"

"Have you forgotten I bought into this place?"

"I'll buy you out. I want you gone."

"And what if I won't sell," he asked.

Well, he did have her there. The contract her lawyer had drawn up was binding. It could only be broken if David did something illegal within the company. And the last time she checked, coming in late or missing a meeting was hardly against the law. "Why are you doing this," she finally asked.

David just stared at her until she couldn't stand it anymore. "Fine," she groaned. Quickly she grabbed her purse from the back of her door and left the office without another word.

Maddie averted the elevator and headed straight for the stairs. She needed to work off her anger. Twenty flights did little to lessen the pain and the anger. When she flung the door open to the parking garage, she didn't know what she was going to do. She had hoped she'd have a plan when she made it to her car. No such luck. Her mind was swimming with everything and it didn't help that she was going on no sleep.

When she was behind the wheel, she broke down. Everything hit her at once - the betrayal, the hurt, but most of all the love. What hurt more than anything was that she knew she still loved David and yet he treated her so horribly. She leaned her head against the steering wheel and allowed herself to sob. Now what seemed most telling in this whole situation was that David hadn't come after her. He always had. She didn't see any clearer sign that it was over than that.

For five minutes, she sobbed uncontrollably. She felt so cold and alone, she didn't think she could bear another second. Then, her crying subsided and she felt she could muster the energy to start the car. She dried her tears, started the car and began to drive away.

Just as the car passed a piling, a figure moved out of sight. When the car was clearly out of sight, David stepped from the shadows. Maddie's words were echoing in his head and he hated the sound. For a second, he paced the span of two parking spots and then stopped. A metal trash can sat nearby and he walked to it, grabbed it and threw it with every ounce of strength he had and watched as it flew threw the air and hit a cement piling. Glass shattered, paper flew, but most of all David felt shattered. He yelled as loud as he could in frustration and then crouched against the wall of the garage into a pile of his own self-loathing.

He had followed Maddie down to the garage via the elevator. Having gotten there before her, he had watched her go to her car and break into tears. From where he stood, he could hear her sobs, see her body shake with each sob. And the worse part - he had caused it. He had made her cry. He felt like an ass.

He placed his head in his hands and wondered how he had managed to make such a mess of everything around him.

His reasons for his actions of the last week or so were lost even to him. Annie was not his type, so why did he hook up with her? He didn't love her, nor did he really care about her. She was just a woman. But it wasn't like he'd never had a meaningless relationship before. This one was different and he knew it.

Ever since Maddie had begun to see a therapist, she had changed. That night they spent in the elevator had been so…special. Like they were heading somewhere. And then there was that kiss in her office. After that, her attitude toward him had changed. She acted like she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Now days it was all business as usual. It was like nothing had ever happened between them.

That's what galled him most. That and overhearing her talk about her dates. He hadn't exactly been a choir boy while they were apart, but he didn't deny they had been together once. Or that there had been something…what had they been?

He couldn't deny to himself that he felt jealousy. Intense almost blinding jealousy. What he had tried for so long to do, but just couldn't manage anymore, was deny he still had feelings for her. What was worse, he still loved her.

"Well," he said to himself, "you made a mess of this, Addison."

Maddie broke into tears halfway to her house. She was so overcome, she almost had to pull over. Instead, she flipped on the radio hoping to find something to take her mind off what she was feeling.

As the radio was turned on, R&B music filled the car and she flipped the station quickly. David returned to her thoughts and she tried her hardest not to let it get to her. She managed to make it part of the way home without another crying jag.

That was until she was five blocks from her house and she heard "Without You" come over the radio.

_No, I can't forget this evening,_

_Or your face as you were leaving._

_But I guess that's just the way the story goes._

_You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows._

_Yes it shows._

_No I can't forget tomorrow._

_When I think of all my sorrow._

_When I had you there but then I let you go._

_And now it's only fair that I should let you know_

_What you should know_

_I can't live, if living is without you._

_I can't give, I can't give anymore._

_Can't live, if living is without you._

_Can't give, I can't give anymore…_

By now, tears were streaming down her face and her vision was blurred from the tears. She pulled quickly into the driveway and shut the engine off. Without any hesitation, she collapsed against the steering wheel and sobbed as the sorrowful tune continued.

* * *

It was but a short time later that David left the office as well. He had returned to the office to a mixture of looks - surprise, disappointment and even loathing. Agnes couldn't even look him in the eye when he asked if he had any appointments the next day.

He'd returned to his office to try and work, but couldn't stop seeing Maddie down in the garage. The way her shoulders shook from her sobs. Her hands gripping the steering wheel. He could even see with the little light there was in the garage the tears on her cheek when she drove away. All from the pain he had caused.

Finally giving up on getting anything done, he called a cab and headed for home. He had a date with Annie that night, but he really didn't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. Especially Annie.

By the time the cab pulled up to his apartment, he had made up his mind to cancel for the night. Maybe he'd hit his usual spot and have a beer…or just stay home and get drunk. When he opened his front door, though, all hopes for a quiet night to drown his sorrows were thrown out the window. He walked into the smell of pasta cooking and he wished he'd never given Annie a key to his apartment.

David shut the door and pocketed his house keys as he walked into the living room. Just then Annie walked into the living room and seemed startled to see him. "David. What are you doing home." She paused to look at him. "You look terrible. Are you okay?"

"What are you doing here?"

The question came out accusingly as if she were doing something wrong and she was taken aback. "I thought we could have dinner in tonight. Is that a problem?"

"I'm not feeling much like dinner tonight."

"Okay. We don't have to have dinner. I brought wine."

David turned away from her and walked to the center of his bare living room. "I'd just like to be alone."

"David, what happened?"

"Nothing happened. I'd just like to be alone," he snapped and Annie backed down.

"Okay. Well, I'll go then."

David didn't say anything or even look at her as she grabbed her things and headed toward the door. When he heard the door click shut, he slumped his shoulders and sighed.

Why was all of this so hard?

He headed to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. In one long swig, he drained half the bottle. He knew he'd need another, so he grabbed a second bottle and headed to his bedroom. Quickly, he undressed and crawled into bed. He flipped on the TV and surfed through the channels landing on ESPN to catch the highlights of the week in sports. Truthfully, though, he wasn't paying attention.

His mind wandered through the last five years of his life as he drained the bottle of beer and started on the next. When had things changed so much between he and Maddie? He'd known the moment she stepped foot in his office that he wanted her. Was it love at first sight? Maybe. He wasn't sure. He did know things became complicated when they started a purely physical relationship. And he couldn't blame all of that on Maddie. He sure hadn't done much to try and persuade her otherwise. At least not until it was too late and she'd headed off to Chicago.

He winced at that thought and the awful crack about visiting her parents this afternoon. He knew he'd stepped over the line. He was just so angry at her. And he felt he wouldn't be so angry if he didn't still care about her. As warped as it all was, he was mean because he cared. And then when she'd "fired" him, all he could do is make snide comments. Even though he couldn't imagine never seeing her again.

His original plan to leave the business only seemed fitting now. Maybe if he left, it would be what they all needed. Where he'd go was beyond him. New York had worn thin after a while, but he could go back. He knew people there. He'd be able to find work. Settle into another life just like he'd done here. Then Maddie could go on with her life. He knew he'd never be the same. But, maybe she could move on without him.

He swallowed the rest of the second beer and went to the kitchen to grab another. If anything, maybe he'd one day forget her.

* * *

Maddie was sufficiently relaxed by the time she heard the front door shut. She'd taken a double dose of her sleeping pills hoping they would do the trick to forgetting the day's events. All she knew now is she felt like a floating ball of cotton.

When she'd finally pulled herself out of the car and entered the house, she'd barely taken notice of anything around her. She hadn't checked the mail or her answering machine. She'd gone straight to her room and taken a scalding hot shower. And while standing under the spray of water, she'd lapsed into another bought of sobs. At least the shower washed them away.

After the shower, she'd taken the pills and retired for the night. She didn't care that it was barely five. Maybe she could finally get some sleep.

* * *

As her thoughts of the day began to drift away, her eyes drifted closed and she drifted off to sleep.

_It was early evening at Maddie's house and David stood at her sink draining a batch of vegetables fresh from the steamer. He set the bowl down and went back to the stove. _

"_Something smells good." David turned and smiled as Maddie entered the kitchen._

"_I was going to surprise you," he said as she walked over to the spread he had laid out on the counter. "What are you doing home, anyway?"_

"_It was quiet at the office, so I sent everyone home."_

"_Maddie Hayes called it an early weekend," he asked in shock._

"_Don't act so surprised. I gave you the afternoon off."_

_He grinned and said, "That's only because I promised…"_

"_Shut up," she laughed and planned a kiss on his lips. David drew her closer to him and intensified the kiss. Immediately dinner was forgotten - all either knew was each other._

_Then David felt someone shaking him and calling…_

"David?"

"Hmmm," he mumbled enjoying the scene playing out before him. That memory was one of his favorites. They never did make it to dinner that night.

"David," the voice persisted.

"Maddie?" David opened his eyes and realized it had all been a dream. He was back in reality. The cold, hard real world. And Annie was staring blankly at him. Annie slowly stood up from where she was crouched beside David's bed. He took a look around him and that was when he felt the beginnings of a hangover. He saw the beer bottles littering his nightstand. Well, at least he'd slept. That was something. Slept. Passed out. All the same at the moment.

"What time is it," David asked.

Annie bypassed his question obviously uncomfortable. "I just came by because…I was worried about you."

"You shouldn't have," he said and meaning it.

"Yeah, well. I guess I should go."

Annie turned and when David didn't stop her, she quickly left the apartment leaving David to ponder his actions. "God, I'm a moron," he said and then flopped back against the pillows.

* * *

Maddie awoke sometime mid-morning. She felt groggy and very drugged. Immediately, she regretting having taken an extra pill last night. That is until she remembering actually having slept the full night. She hadn't had that in a week. Rubbing her eyes, she checked the clock. Heading into the office now would be pointless. Maybe she could catch up on some things at home. Although, seeing Annie all day wasn't exactly on her list of things to do. The only other thing she could think of was to take her lawyer up on his standing offer. He had a summer home up north near some lake she couldn't remember and he had offered it to her once before when she was down on her luck.

Having little else to choose from, she picked up the phone and made the call.

When Annie returned to Maddie's house, a single suitcase sat in the entryway. The next second, Maddie appeared from the living room with her purse and car keys in hand. Maddie froze when she saw Annie.

"Annie," she said in surprise.

"Maddie, are you going somewhere?"

"Um, yeah. I need to get away. I'll be gone for the weekend. Maybe longer. Feel free to stay…," Maddie let the sentence trail off. Not feeling too sure of what she really wanted to tell her. Well, she knew what she wanted to tell her, but she wasn't prepared to say it. She wanted to call her every name she could think of. But that would require energy she just didn't have and brain power that wasn't worth the effort. "If I'm needed, my lawyer knows where I am. He can contact me." Maddie grabbed up her suitcase and looked at the woman who stood in front of her. "If I don't see you…well, I'll see you whenever, I guess."

Maddie opened the door and Annie said, "Maddie…" Maddie looked over at Annie, but all Annie could say was, "I'll see you." All Maddie could do was nod and then she left.

The drive to the lake was peaceful, at least. Maddie was grateful for that. Jonathan had grilled her about this trip asking if she was having financial troubles again. She assured him she just needed time alone…she'd fooled him. The only one she wasn't fooling was herself. And apparently Agnes who'd called seven times the previous night.

This whole thing was killing her. And worse yet, she felt it was her own fault. She couldn't help but point the finger at herself. She was the one who had pushed David away time and time again. She told him she didn't want a relationship. And she'd pushed him right into another woman's arms. Her cousin's. Every time she thought of it, she wanted to scream.

She only wished she could come clean about the whole thing. To someone.

It was afternoon when she made it to the cabin. Jonathan had warned her it was rustic. He only used it for fishing and it did indeed smell like fish. Maddie threw open all the windows and stepped out onto the front porch. The view was beautiful.

She sat in a chair on the porch and let her mind drift. The fresh air was a welcome to her lungs and she breathed it in. This was what she needed. Clarity. Someplace to think.

But as soon as she let her mind go, all that flooded through was David.

* * *

David managed to avoid everything that day including the incessant phone calls from the office. Finally, he'd yanked the phone cord from the wall to stop the annoying shrill. His head was pounding and he finally rose from the bed for the first time all day. His mouth tasted of stale beer and he knew he needed a shower.

He stood, but stumbled and knocked over the beer bottles on his nightstand. He didn't care as he stumbled into the bathroom. When he stood at the sink to brush the taste of last night's binge from his mouth, he barely recognized himself. His eyes were bloodshot, he was extremely pale and he had dark circles under his eyes.

Well, he knew one thing was for certain. Whatever this was he was doing, it wasn't working. Not only that, but it was hurting everyone. He dropped his toothbrush back into its holder and looked into the mirror - looking himself square in the eye. "You love her, dammit," he said. "The thing is," he said looking down into the sink, "I messed up too big this time. She'll never forgive me."

* * *

By that night, Maddie had somewhat settled into the little cabin. She'd gone to the store for food unsure of how long she'd be there. Jonathan had assured her she could stay as long as she needed to. Maybe if she just waited all this out, she could handle it all better in a few days. Maybe she just needed time to think. Time to put things into perspective.

That night she dined on take out food from a deli in town. It wasn't as good as what she could get in LA, but she wasn't all that hungry anyway. She abandoned the food for a shower and then headed to bed. Sleep came quickly that night.

* * *

Back in LA, David had spent the day alone sorting through his own thoughts. And as the day drew to a close, he wondered if that had been the best of ideas. He was no closer to any sort of conclusion or fix to the mess he'd made. What he did know is he'd run from his problems all his life and he couldn't do that to Maddie. It had been two AM when he'd decided to pack his bags and leave LA for good. It had been in the early light of day that he realized she deserved more from him.

Now, though, he was just as confused as before he'd started. His hangover was still present and his head ached to high heaven. It hadn't helped that he'd pulled out the hard liquor last night.

Just then the phone rang and he winced in pain. He'd remembered that in the middle of the night, as he'd wallowed and shed a few of his own tears at this mess, he'd considered that something could have happened. Maybe Maddie was hurt. He hadn't seen her since she'd stormed out of the office. Maybe she was so distraught, she'd landed in the hospital. Maybe she'd gotten into a car accident. At that thought, he'd plugged the phone back into the wall and made a frantic call to Agnes.

The woman had been displeased to be woken at three AM by her soused boss. So much so that she wasn't her characteristically cheery self. She'd been short with him, even yelled at him to get his act together. She'd assured him in the end that the last she heard, Maddie had made it home safely. In his drunken state, he'd voiced his concern and expressed his genuine regret. Agnes had cut him off saying, "I'm not the one you should be telling this to, Mr. Addison. Good night," and hung up.

Now he sat in his shabby room listening to the ring of the phone. Quickly he picked it up and answered gruffly, "What?"

"David?"

He relaxed at the sound of Terri's voice. "Oh, hi."

"You okay?"

"Been better. What's up?" He ran a hand across his face and leaned against his headboard.

"I'm really in a bind, David. My babysitter cancelled on me and I really need to get out of the house. My girlfriends and I planned this shopping trip…well, are you free today?"

If it was anyone else, he probably would have declined. It was more than it being Terri, though. It was the tone in her voice that he couldn't turn down. "What time," he asked.

* * *

Maddie woke up that morning to the scent of fresh air and fish. In fact, the smell was making her sick. It reminded her too much of when she was pregnant and how simply a whiff of seafood made her nauseous. And in that foggy place between sleep and consciousness, she remembered quite vividly how it felt to carry her and David's baby. For a moment, she had almost forgotten that they had lost him and she smiled at the memories floating back. Not just the feeling of a life inside her, but the small things…the joy she felt at seeing the ultrasound for the first time, picking out baby clothes and the connection she and David had made going through Lamaze class together. Just as the memories of David careened with her memories of the baby, reality hit her.

She opened her eyes and remembered everything. Every gory detail of the last week. How she wished she could escape back into her subconscious.

The smell of rotting fish was about to drive her crazy, so she crawled out of bed and threw open the front door. An early morning breeze off the lake greeted her and she gave a small smile. It didn't last long as the events of the previous day drifted back to her.

What was she doing here? She sagged and leaned against the door jam. She in her usual pink pajamas and, yet again, running away from her problems. She hadn't crossed the state line this time. That was something, she supposed. Maybe one day away to clear her mind was what she'd needed because suddenly in the light of day, she could see things so clearly.

Yes, she loved David. Despite all he'd done, she still loved him. She couldn't help but chuckle. Love was strange that way. At least in her case. As hurt as she was and after feeling so betrayed, it was beyond her how she could still be so deeply in-love with him. She had thought, once, he had felt the same. That they were on the same page…that what they had was special. Now she was no longer sure.

As she stared out across the water, she knew her next course of action. She couldn't stay here and hide out any longer. If she wanted to move on with her life, she had to face it all head on. And that started with facing David. And if she must, she'd face Annie too.

Within a half hour, she was on the road heading back to LA. On the way, she rehearsed what she would say. But no matter how many times she ran the words through her head, they didn't sound right.

How was she going to tell him? _What_ would she tell him? How could she say she still loved him despite everything? And could she handle it if he rejected her? As much as it terrified her to put her heart out on the line this way, she knew she didn't have any other choice. They had been too many things to each other and they owed each other the truth. No more hiding, no more lying.

And as often happens, fate has other plans for us. So when Maddie made the trip to David's apartment that morning, she found he wasn't home. She couldn't find him anywhere, so she returned home. And as many times as she tired to reach him by phone, no one answered.

When she turned in that night, early, she still felt the hollowness in her gut and the hole in her heart. Would this ever heal? A tear fell down her cheek at the thought that David could very well walk out of her life forever. If she lost David, in any capacity, what would she do?

_I know I can be a_

_Little stubborn sometimes_

_A little righteous and too proud._

_I just want to find a _

_Way to compromise_

_Cause I believe that we_

_Can work things out_

_I thought I had all the answers _

_Never giving in_

_But baby since you've gone, _

_I admit that I was wrong_

_All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie_

_How my going to be strong without you I need you by my side_

_If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with good-bye_

_Don't know what I'd do_

_I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you_

_How my ever gonna get rid of these blues_

_Baby I'm so lonely all the time_

_Everywhere I go I get so confused_

_You're the only thing that's on my mind_

_Oh my bed's so cold at night and I miss you more each day_

_Only you can make it right no I'm not too proud to say_

_All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie_

_How my going to be strong without you I need you by my side_

_If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with good-bye_

_Don't know what I'd do_

_I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you_

_If I could only hold you now and make the pain just go away_

_Can't stop the tears from running down my face._

_All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie_

_How my going to be strong without you I need you by my side_

_If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with good-bye_

_Don't know what I'd do_

_I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you_

* * *

Song Credits:

Lost Without You - Delta Goodram

I Can't Live (If Living is Without You) - Mariah Carey


End file.
